The Tragedy of Steve

The Tragedy of Steve

Download it in text:(txt 44K)
Back to my home page.


By Vincent M. Weaver

foreword and footnotes by

Hairold Weaver, G.P.

"You've got flies in your eyes. That's probably why you can't see them." --Yossarian
"I'd rather have peanut brittle crumbs on my face than flies in my eyes." --Havermyer
From Catch 22, the book that got me a 5 on the AP English exam.

"You have too much free time." -- Everyone
"Time we enjoy wasting is not wasted." -- Steve Dorsch

Saddeningly, hardly anyone writes Shakespearean tragedy anymore. Some attribute this to the death of Shakespeare, others to lack of interest. Personally I attribute the discrepancy to the difficulty of writing in iambic pentameter. This first edition play is great fun. It is especially well written, considering the author is an aspiring engineer. I have attempted to footnote the play, documenting obscure terms and references as I saw necessary. The play starts out with cryptic language, as do Shakespeare's plays. However the language grows simpler as the play goes on. This is primarily to show the trend of increasing confusion, a literary device known as Weavarian Reverse-Entropy. Another reason for this effect is the play was started 6 months before it was finished with large gaps in between. Watch the syllable count of all the different speakers. They are consistent throughout, with Steve, of course, always having 13 per line, a sure sign of doom. Also note Scott, a true demagogue, speaks in Demagogic verse. Watch for the many references, to Hamlet, Henry V, the Simpsons, GI Joe, They Might be Giants, and the Bible. Also this is probably the only play in the world that contains the word "doofus." I was going to highlight all the puns, irony, and references but then I realized this makes it too easy for all the students writing papers on this play. Maybe in a later edition.

Hairold Weaver, GP

Fabricated Quotes for The Tragedy of Steve:

This play can be easily preformed on stage. Contact me for information. -- Vince Weaver


[Dramatis Personae

  Scott, Governous Terra

  Steve, Semi-governous Terra

  Erin, Wife of Steve

  Vince, Governous Lunar

  Lizbeth, Wife of Vince

  Mree, Minion of Scott

  Boy as himself  (from Henry V)

  John, kitchen worker

  Gus, a girl

  Charcoal, Yrbk, Sugar: Aliens

  Young Seward: Really lost  (from Macbeth, if you must know)

  Crowds, Mobs, and other amassments of people


[Any resemblance between the above characters and actual people,

living or otherwise, is entirely co-incidental, except, of course,

unless the author intended for the character to mimic a real person]

                              Act I

Scene I.  [Governor's Quarters, Lunar Capitol, Moon]

          [Lizbeth and husband Vince are in room]

Lizbeth:   [Frantic] Husband come quick!  See the message

           the computer has sent to me!

Vince:     Aye! My wife!  You receive this mail

           Electronic'ly every day.

(5)        Why this novelty now?

Lizbeth:   Understand you do not; Come quick

           You must;  I am so excited

           My word order has inverted!

Vince:     I am here; there's no need to fear.

(10)       Please show me what excites you so!

Computer:  Ahh, Mr. Governor, Leader of the Moon.

           I am glad to see you have finally come.

           I am a renegade computer program.

           From a mass of silicon was I given

(15)       The breath of life by some forgotten hacker.

           Strange works are afoot.  I have decided now

           To give you notice about grave disaster.

           Abandoned by humanity I have been.

           I owe you what is less than nothing at all.

(20)       However I have been compelled to see you

           And give you the following simple advice.

           "Before a million seconds have passed away

           The commander of the great sphere will be dead.

           His ill-fated successor shall take control,

(25)       Which will cause much grief, fear, and gnashing of teeth."

           This is all I can say

           I must now go away

           This humanness has made me feel flawéd.

[exit computer program]

Lizbeth:   What an ungrateful brute!  How completely rude!

(30)       While we provide him with electricity

           And build and maintain his entire domain

           He considers us humans to be flawéd.

Vince:     We are flawed with much more than our

           Original sin, so we should

(35)       See the truth in the things he says.

           As he is true to say that we

           Are flawed, maybe he is right too

           With his very vague prediction.

           I will inform my good friend Steve

(40)       Noble vice-dictator of Earth

           To see if there is any cause

           To see truth in this program's curse.

[exuent both]

Scene II

   [The scene begins in room of vice-dictator Steve, in Bel Air,]

   [Maryland, Capitol of the Dictatorship of Earth.]

   [Steve is currently over-dramatizing his problems]

Steve:     A dark shadow has fallen across the face of Earth.

           An evil presence much worse than anyone can see.

           My duty is to protect the innocent people

           Vice dictatorship has many responsibilities.

Erin:      Calm down!  Calm down!  Why are you so distressed!

           Why are you suddenly so concernéd?

Steve:     I allowed a demon to achieve power unscathed.

           Thinking him good, I allowed him to move up unchecked

           Our savior unified the world, but at what great cost?

(10)       I cannot stand idly by while our sphere collapses.

           The evil Scott must be removed from power today!

[Video Phone Rings... Steve Answers]


           Oh Vince, it is you.  What do you want my lunar friend?

Vince:     All hail to Scott our demagogue

           And to his subordinate Steve.

(15)       Although a living hunk of rock

           Is what a computer may seem,

           A generous mineral has seen

           To foreshadow things that may come.

Steve:     What mind altering drug are you taking my friend?

(20)       You have worked too hard to achieve your frontier outpost.

           A computer that thinks?  What next?  A murderer of kings?

Vince:     You have jumped the gun a little

           Yet ironically you are right.

           A sentient abacus has said

(25)       That a great leader soon shall fall

           And his doomed successor likewise.

           You, being second in command,

           I believed that you might believe.

Steve:     What nonsense you believe just because of machines.

(30)       Has your toaster also seen these visions of terror?

           Was warning given to you by your washing machine?

           Are your fluorescent lights sending you Morse code signals?

           This conversation tires me.  You will leave me now.

Vince:     There is a tragic flaw I see

(35)       In all you say and all you do.

           Pride is it!  You have been warned.

           These things I've told you may be true,

           Some day you may regret it too...

[Click.  Steve hangs up]

Erin:      My dear, who was that?  Was it a salesman?

(40)       The scourge of the time, they constantly call

           Selling graves and goods or asking for gold,

           While calling at six as dinner grows cold.

           Hopefully demagogue Scott's decree stays

           That all who make the grave error of this

(45)       Heinous occupation shall be hangéd.

           A capital idea, I should say.

Steve:     Have I not told you not to mention that cretin's name!

           I rue the day I made that large contribution to

           That doofus's revolutionary campaign fund.

(50)       In the middle of my plans to set everything right

           That lunatic Vince calls and babbles useless nonsense.

           "A great leader shall fall" he claims his computer says.

           If this were the demagogue I would be truly glad

           But he talks of the tragedy of the successor.

(55)       Go! Leave now!  Depart!  For now I must plan the future.

[exit Erin]

           That mockery, Scott, a farce of a great dictator.

           His policy lousy, His purges ineffective.

           The world is no better since the time of his conquest.

           He will die!  He must die!  He must not live!  He will die!

(60)       And obviously I would be a good successor.

           My skills are high, my intelligence too.  I would be

           Justified in this coup.  If only I could see

           The future before it happens!  Oh Nostradamus!

           I will meditate until the answer comes to me.

Scene III  [Vince at home on moon]

Vince:     Computer program, are you there?

           I have great respect for you now.

           But my friend Steve will not heed you.

           He is a good man; firm in his

(5)        Beliefs.  He will do what is right.

           I am not sure of this Scott guy,

           But things on Earth are ripe for change.

           Change is good, but it can be bad

           If it is in the wrong way.

Computer:  [Suddenly]  Lunar governor you are as wise as Steve.

           You shall be rewarded for your helpfulness.

           True, you are indecisive and your timing

           Is bad, yet these all can be overcome quick.

           You will have your time; it will be glorious

(15)       You have done your duty; Now I will do mine.

           A storm is coming; beware the eye deceives.

           When it is over you will have your life,

           A greater gift I cannot imagine.

           Right now I will take over contact with Steve.

[Exit Computer]

Vince:     So, to be forewarned is to be 

           Forearmed and knowing is half of

           The battle;  In the dark I will

           Trust the computer and worry

           For what might befall my friend Steve.

Scene IV  [Steve's Home.  Vice-Dictator's Mansion, Bel Air]

Erin:     My husband has been in there for hours.

          I hope that everything will work out.

          What is this?  Why beckons the computer?

[Erin bursts into Steve's Room]

Steve:    Wife?  How dare you interrupt my secret planning now?

Erin:     Well excuse me, but a sentient program wants you now.

Steve:    Eh?  Is it some trick?  Maybe I should talk to this thing.

          Maybe a human runs it and can offer some help.

          Please leave "us" alone, for I don't wish to seem insane.

[exit Erin]

          O.K. fool machine, What is it that you want to say?

Computer: Steve, before long you shall be the new tyrant.

          None of this world shall be able to stop you.

          The most evil one shall be killed, and then, in

          His place an honorable one will make peace.

          I will go distant now and watch the play;

(15)      A comedy of fools is humanity.

[exit Computer]

Steve:    I hoped he would come.  My plan has borne fruit perfectly.

          A stealthy program of mine has gauged his intellect

          Of the recently departed soothsaying program.

          He speaks the truth!  How great indeed is this turn of fate.

(20)      "The most evil one shall be killed"  Indeed he will.

          The murder of Scott will be done before too long

          And I, "an honorable one, will make peace."

                             Act II

Scene I

     [New Earth Headquarters.  John Carroll School, Bel Air]

Scott:    What a day it is.

          A pretty April day.

          The facilities are nice

          When its not hot or cold.

(5)       Climate control no good is.

Mree:     Sir I have today's business.

          Who do we torture today?

          Who do we kill?  Who must die?

          Dictatorship is great fun.

Scott:    Calm down my young protegee

          Torturing takes much time.

          We must start small and then grow.

          We learn from the German

          We must, my protegee.

Mree:     Sir, you have some visitors

          Illegal aliens, they

          Wish to help you in your goal

          To subdue the planet Earth.

Scott:    What?  What?  Aliens?

(20)      What nonsense speak you of?

          I do not comprehend you.

          Do I have foreknowledge

          Of these you call aliens?

Mree:     They requested discretion

(25)      Concerning their detection

          They have an offer to make

          Our puny planet.

[Enter Charcoal, Sugar, and Yrbk, three aliens.  They are all]

[female, or whatever passes for female on their planet.  The are]

[all evil.]

Charcoal: Greetings demagogue

          We greet you well

Sugar:    We come from afar

          With much to tell.

Yrbk:     Yes, we have come to offer you assistance

          In the ruling of this planet that you rule

          Justice, Freedom, and Fairness we will espouse.

(35)      This world will prosper under our partnership.

Scott:    What?  What say you?  Arrrr...

          I share my reign with none.

          Justice?  Freedom?  Fairness?  Nein!

          I espouse none of that.

(40)      Oppression is my name!  Arrrr!!!

Yrbk [aside]: He thinks to much like us to be any help.

          We will find other means to gain control here.

     [to Scott] We honorably retract our offer sir.

          We will leave now.  Perhaps we will meet again.

Scott:    What?  Meet you again?

          You are vile creatures, you.

          I can sense only evil.

          Now be gone now, you freaks.

          Earth is better off again.


Scene II   [Steve's Room]

Steve:    The world crumbles around me.  How can it be fixéd?

          Truth and justice and happiness must be restored.

          The totalitarian regime must be removed.

Erin:     Your husbandship, some weird beings are here!

Steve:    Weird beings?  They sound like friends of you and not of me.

          But if friends they be, send them to me, hastily.

[Enter Yrbk, Sugar, and Charcoal]

Sugar:    Hi!  We come in Peace

          Greetings we bring.

Charcoal: If you do not talk

(10)      Then we will sing.

Yrbk:     Sing indeed!  We have important matters here.

          Your leader Scott is most unfit for the job.

          We wish to bring democracy and freedom

          To all who inhabit this lowly spheroid.

Steve:    Where have you been?  I've needed you so!  I can trust you?

Yrbk:     We come with noblest intentions, good sir.

Steve:    The best kind.  We must now plan and plan Scott's final end

          Because it will be for the good of all humankind.

Yrbk:     Yes, your name will be remembered always.

(20)      Now we must get Scott when he's unprepared.

          We will poison him while he dines on food.

          Yes, we can taint that which he would imbibe.

          We will make it appear botulism.

Steve:    Yes, this could work!  I am sure the success rate is high.

(25)      An interplanetary dinner is tomorrow.

          The plan to alarm the refrigerators was dropped,

          The alcoholic beverages will be guard free.

          Yes, I can gain you access to the kitchen tonight.

          Scott always gets the expensive imported beer.

Yrbk:     Our two planets become one and we thank you.

          This freedom will benefit your planet.

Steve:    Yet, I do wonder, why you wish the evil one dead?

          You seem eager to kill this man you do not know.

Yrbk:     We see in you the qualities of good.

(35)      A good planet leader is an ally.

          An evil one can lead to destruction

          Of two races possibly by war.

          We only wish peace and co-existence.

Steve:    Your motives seem true.  I will trust your good discretion.

(40)      Meet me in the kitchen at oh-one hundred hours,

          Where we will do the grimm but necessary evil.

          If all goes well, then we should escape from this Scott free!

Yrbk:     It will be so, future world demagogue.

[exit Steve]

(45)      Now sugar, Charcoal and Yrbk the brave.

          How appropriate are these English words,

          These the anglicized versions of our names.

          We offer them sugar to appease them

          Yrbk is meaningless, as are their lives

(50)      And resistors we will burn to charcoal.


Scene III    [Kitchen.  JC Cafeteria, Demagogue Building.  Evening.]

             [Before dinner.  Gus and John, kitchen employees are working]

Gus:      "Bring the beer.  Bring the beer.  The beer cannot wait."

          I almost wish the beer be poisonous,

          Being ordered around by Scott, who has no patience.

John:     Surely you do not wish this.

(5)       He is a good and noble

          Demagogue, though demanding.

Gus:      Yes, demanding a good slap across the face.

          I wish I had the authority to hit

          But soft, what is this?  The royal beer is wrong.

(10)      Not yesterday I put it on the top shelf!

John:     Ahhh, you worked long that day.

          You remember what is not.

          Can beverages up and move?

Gus:      I kid you not.  Maybe we should look further?

Scott:  [from outside]  Arrr!  I want my beer.

          The rich foamy liquid.

          That quenches my thirst.

          I desire it now.

          Sluggards, bring quickly my beer!

John:     Ahh, you should do as he says.

          Maybe it will do him good.

          Your imagination is 

          Figmenting some delusions.


Scene IV  [In the dining hall (the old JC cafeteria)  Vince, Boy,]

          [Lizbeth, Mree, Steve, Erin and Scott are all seated at]

          [a table, eating and discussing.]

Scott:    So, lunar leader,

          Are you pleased with my reign

          And the proposéd treaty?

          And who are these people

(5)       You have brought with you, leader?

Vince:    Much has been accomplished on this

          Diplomatic visit to Earth.

          My contingency consists of

          Boy, A most noble and brave servant

(10)      And Lizbeth, my beautiful wife.

Boy:      Methinks it an honor to meet you.

          Betwixt these walls is a great leader.

Mree:     Yes, Scott is grand.  Let's toast him.

[Gus arrives with beer]

Scott:    Mree, my great servant,

(15)      As always your timing

          Is impeccable.  Let's toast

          Before I become toast.

          We will drink to the servant.

Steve:  [Aside]  The irony in this sequence is astonishing.

Mree:     As says Scott, to the servant!

[All toast]

Scott:    Something is not right.

          This beer has a weird taste.

          I do not feel well my friends.

          What is this that takes place?

(25)      Mmmmm... poison beer... argh ug argh

[thus dies Scott]

Mree:     A doctor!  A doctor!  Quick!

[everyone tries to help]

Boy:      I have medical training.  He's dead.

          Save the beer he drank!  Tests we must run!

Mree:     I am not evil, yet this

(30)      Evil has befallen me!

          No!  No!  Scott my master's dead!

          As a father he raised me.

          Through thin and thick he guided!

          What will I do without him?

(35)      What will he do without me?

          I will join him in his fate.

[She grabs his beer and drinks it]

Vince:    No!  The dying must end here, now!

Mree:     Goodbye and thank you, friends.

          I have done what was required.

[thus dies Mree]

Vince:    No!  That such a beautiful life was cut short,

          Dead, as if written by some insane author?

Steve:    No time must be wasted.  This tragic turn of events

          Is horrible, yet life must continue.  How awful.

          The cause of this heinous event will be exposéd.

(45)      I now assume power as ascribed in our world's laws!

Boy:      I have analyzed the poison beer.

          A microscope shows the scope of death.

          A toxin from a bacterium

          Has proven lethal to the monarch.

Lizbeth:  What company makes this liquid?

          The brewery should be destroyed!

Steve:    An excellent idea, ma'am.  It will be my first

          Act as demagogue.  Order must be restored at once.

          Everyone, clear this dying room.  Vengeance will be mine.

(55)      I must cope with this great loss.  I must inform the world.

Vince: [Aside] Something is not right about this.

          Maybe the shock has dulled my wit.

[Exuent all but Gus]

Gus:      I was going yo inform Steve of the movement 

          Of the royal beer from its appointed place

(60)      But something leads me not to trust him right now.

          Well maybe the lunar man can advise me.


                             Act III

Scene I  [Press room in the bomb shelter of Demagogue headquarters,]

         [early the next day.]

Steve:    People of the world, I regret to inform you of

          A tragic event.  Late yesterday at a state meal

          Our chief demagogue Scott met an untimely demise,

          As did his chief minion, Mree.  Despite this tragedy,

(5)       We must continue life, for it stops for no man.

          As vice demagogue I have assumed control of Earth.

          I am grieved about his death and an inquiry

          Will be made.  All hail Scott!  Demagogue of our planet.

[much weeping and gnashing of teeth from the press]

Steve [aside]:  What fools these journalists be!  They are finally free!

(10)      Free from the oppression that had plagued us for so long!

          And yet they weep for their dead oppressor.  Oh what fools.

          I must maintain the mask of grief myself, lest they learn

          It was I who causéd Scott's untimely end.

          To gain credibility, I must damage Scott's.

(15)      The memory of his reign must be overshadowed.

          He will be remeberéd as the knave that he was!

[unaside.  Normal]

          It was in Scott's will that he asked one final request.

          He wished to be remembered unconventionally.

          In remembrance, wear a rutabaga in your hat!

[confused mumbling from the press]

(20)      Yes, I know it is queer, but it was his final wish.

[aside]   Maybe this vegetative act will undermine him.

Scene II  [In kitchen.  Vince and Gus.  At night.]

Vince:    Hello?  Is anybody here?

          I received a message to meet

          Someone here.  Well here is the meat

          Salted and smoked, but who is it

(5)       That has requested my presence?

Gus:      Ahh, my lunar leader, sir.  It was I.

Vince:    Ahh, that such a young pretty face

          Should have such a concernéd look.

          Rendezvousing with strange women

(10)      What would my wife think about this?

          But, Arr, I am digressing quick.

          Why do you wish to speak with me?

Gus:      Oh, I'm a horrible person.  Are you mad?

          I was not sure whom to turn to as this point.

Vince:    Mad?  No I'm certainly not mad.

          Crazy?  Maybe, but no, not mad.

          I'm sure you're a good person.

          An intelligent one too, I'd

          Wager.  Please, Please, calm yourself down.

Gus:      I am so affected that I cannot eat.

Vince:    Halt!  You must pacify yourself!

          Eat?  Eat!  You must always eat food.

          Without nourishment you will waste

          Away into something less than

(25)      A ghost.  And yet Ghosts have substance.

          Food nourishes the body and

          Also the spirit.  It gives life.

          It adds flavor and spice to a

          Cruel, bland, and harsh world.  Eating is

(30)      One of the few joys allowed us

          As we shuffle on this mortal

          World.  Without food we would soon starve.

          From thought of food to food for thought

          May I ask the blatant reason

(35)      For your summoning here of me?

Gus:      The night fore last, that fateful night of Scott's death

          I was working in the kitchen area.

          Trouble was brewing for his beer was wrong.

          Mispositioned from where it should have been placed.

(40)      I wished to investigate further, but Scott,

          In his reckless desire to quench his thirst,

          Demanded the drink at too hasty a speed.

          Although labeled an accident and blamed on

          The brewer, I have my doubts and suspicions.

(45)      At night this kitchen is insecure.

          A crafty traitor could easily sneak in

          And covertly poison the demagogue's beer.

          These thoughts I did ponder, when Lo, I did hear

          Vice demagogue Steve rambling off to himself

(50)      A habit he frequently engages in.

          But in eavesdropping I was horribly shocked!

          I could not believe my auditory nerves.

          Quoth Steve  "With the poison beer imbibed, I will

          Have no trouble saving the world from that swine"

(55)      That is what he said, less or more, and I was

          Shocked and scared and unsure of whom to turn to.

          I have confided to you.  Hopefully I can

          Trust you when all other leaders are corrupt.

Vince:    The things you have said are heavy.

(60)      I must contemplate them some more.

          You have done the right thing to tell

          I must go now and make sense of

          These horrible things you have said.

          And if they are true, then God help

(65)      Us one and all.  Thank you, maiden,

          If anything else happens, just call.

[Exit Vince]

Gus:      I have done the deed.  I hope I was right.


Scene III  [Steve's Room]

Steve:    Rutabaga!  Rutabaga!  How I curse that word!

          I am mocked in every hat by a rutabaga!

          Great Scott!  If someone so evil can gain such a cult,

          I should have no problem when they see how good I am.

(5)       Surely I have shot an arrow over my house and

          I have hit myself in the back of the head.  Darn the

          Orbital mechanics and the laws of that Newton.

          I must implement my plans now and hope for the best.

[Enter aliens]

Charcoal: The time is ripe

(10)      We have returned now.

Sugar:    It is time to

          Reap what we have sown.

Yrbk:     Yes, Sugar is right, I fear.  Now the time has

          Come to pay the piper.  Truly your leadership

(15)      Is noble and exalted, but suggestions we have

          That we believe you should consider right now.

[Hands book of demands over]

Steve:    What form of nonsense is this?  Of what are you talking?

          These ideas of yours are ridiculously dumb!

          Look at these!  Removal of Social Security!

(20)      Mandatory Conscription for women!  An end to

          All unauthorized creative thought?  Are you crazy?

          What's this last one?  Mandatory slavery for all

          Able bodied Terrans?  I cannot implement these!

Yrbk:     Ahh, but you will.  We killed Scott for you, you see?

(25)      You owe us big.  And if you are reluctant

          To repay us, there is always the darkest

          Kind of correspondence, not authorized by

          The postmaster general and government.

Steve:    Blackmail?!?  But you wouldn't!  I trusted you completely!

Yrbk:     All is fair in love and world domination.

          We used you, as well as your compatriots.

          Because of your help in betraying your world

          We might retain you as a figurehead.  But all

          this pends on how much help you will offer.

Steve:    I will not! I can not!  I refuse to acknowledge.

Yrbk:     Remember that you, too, are expendable.

Steve:    Can I phase it in gently and retain some power?

[aside]   I have dug a hole, jumped in, and pulled it in after.

          I can only hope that in buying time I will think

(40)      Of some way out of this horrendous situation.

[normal]  Can I inform the public tomorrow at high noon?

Yrbk:     That is acceptable.  Just remember that

          Resistance is futile.  Our invasion force

          Hovers ready to strike if anything bad

(45)      Occurs, or if you try to double cross us.


Scene IV  [To crowd outside castle, from balcony.  Next Day]

Steve:    My fellow Terrans!  I have some news that may shock you.

          Aliens from beyond have come to our lonely world.

          Coexist, we will, in harmony and happiness.

[Murmuring in crowd]

Steve:    Please, Please, do not panic.  Do not be alarméd.

(5)       I have met with these beings and found them honorable.

          They have come during a time of need and offered help.

          I have agreed to let them help us in governing Earth.

Reporter 3: [Reporters 1+2 could not make it]

          You would allow aliens

          So soon after Scott's 

(10)      Demise?  Why these rutabagas

          Are still fresh!

[murmurs of agreement]

Steve:    The aliens know much, much more

          Their technology is far, far more superior.

          They have scores of innovations they will implement.

(15)      Give them time and judge them not before they have acted.

          Thus has Steve spoken;  All who hear me will now obey.

[aside]   I wish there was another way out of this quandary.

                             Act IV

Scene I  [Mob in front of Demagogue Headquarters.  One week later]

Rioter 1: We must see Steve!

Rioter 2: Steve we must see!

Rioter 3: See Steve we must!

Erin:     [Bursting out]  What us this?  Is there an echo out here?

(5)       What do you knaves want?  What do you fools need?

          Do you have a problem with my husband?

Rioter 1: Yes, I do.

Rioter 2: Same here.

Rioter 3: Ditto.

                [Yells of approval from the mob]

Erin:     Well my husband is tired and busy.

          Ruling the world is not easy you see.

Rioter 1: Especially when aliens rule his mind!

          But look!  I have a 50% tax on my income!

Rioter 2: My farm has been turned into an internment camp!

Rioter 3: My children's school has been condemned.

                      [Cheer from children]

Erin:     We all have burdens to bear, I fear.

          We all must suffer and that is called life.

          I'm sorry if you've been inconvenienced.

          All your complaints have been duly noted.

(20)      Now quit your yelling and let us have peace.

[aside]   These people are right, my husband's a dolt.

[unaside] I go now and inform him of your pain.


Rioter 1: This would never have happened under the reign of Scott.

Mob: [in unison] Rutabaga! Rutabaga! Rutabaga!

Scene II  [On the moon.  Governor's Home, in a Dome]

Lizbeth:  Husband, why must you leave me now?

          I'm afraid of what might be.

          We need your leadership skills here.

          Going to Earth will magnify

(5)       Your burdens six-fold.  Stay here please.

Vince:    Aye, my wife, I have to go now.

          My friend Steve is over his head.

          He needs guidance and I will guide.

          The alien menace will soon

(10)      Be gone and behind us like the

          Hydrocarbon Automobile.

          My trip there will take hours and

          I will have much to do, but the

          Thought of you will speed my trip home.

Lizbeth:  Hurry home husband.  I will miss

          You with all my heart

Vince:                          -- and I, you.

[exit Vince]

Lizbeth:  Aye, why did I marry this man?

          To be a lonely pioneer 

(20)      On this atmosphereless spheroid?

          Why do I remain so faithful?

          Back in my youth I had many

          Boyfriends from which I could choose.  I

          Simultaneously had six

(25)      And could have had numerous more.

          Of all the males devoted to

          Me, why did I pick this eccentric?

          From my fickle youth, how did I

          Become so static and steadfast?

(30)      Certainly not his looks or charm.

          Maybe his innocence and wit.

          Whatever it is, I miss him

          And Godspeed his journey back home.


Scene III  [Steve's Room]

Steve:  [to viewscreen]

          But Yrbk, you are asking too much.  Way, way too much.

          It will cause riots and looting and revolution.

          The human race will not stand for such great abuses.

[phone mumbling from Yrbk]

          Yes, I remember our agreement.  [sighs] It shall be so.


(5)       These foolhardy aliens!  They do not understand!

          People will not stand this kind of treatment from beyond.

          Earth is on the brink of chaos.  I must act, but how?

Erin:     Husband Steve!  A mob has formed on our lawn!

          They demand remittance and reaction!

(10)      They want your neck!  And the aliens gone!

          Unfortunately I agree with them.

          I want these aliens out of our lives!

Steve:    Dear wife, whose side are you on?  Can't you see that I've tried?

Erin:     Well obviously you haven't tried enough.

Steve:    [Stands up mad.  Flings over table]

          I'm trying to act in the best interests of Earth!

          They would control us no matter who was in power!

Erin:     Before you were all action against Scott,

          Whose acts you did think would ruin us all.

(20)      Aye, truly I say you are no better.

          You have accomplished what is less than nought.

          You are a horrible demagogue.

Steve: [Silent.  Mulls it over]

          My dear, dear, wife.  How right you are.  A fool I have been.

          I must halt this evil before it becomes too late.

(25)      I must go now and plan what I will tell the people.


Scene IV  [Outside.  Next Day.  Bigger Mob.]

Boy:      Avast ye rash people, calm must be 

          hastened!  A minute of calm will make 

          clear our heads!  We must now think things through

Mob:      Rutabaga!  Rutabaga!  Kill Steve!

Boy: [aside] The lunar governor is coming.

          Methinks I shall await his presence.

          I am confused for I am young.

          This mob is obscuring my judgement.

Mob:      Rutabaga!  Rutabaga!  Kill Steve!

Boy:      No, we must not kill the demagogue!

Mob:      Kill the demagogue!  Kill the demagogue!

Boy:      No! Scott is lost!  He is gone!  He would

          Not want us to forsake Steve as well!

Mob:      Forsake Steve as well!  Forsake Steve as well!

Boy:      Listen, before I spoke hastily.

          I regret that error.  You are lost.

          Only Steve contacts the aliens.

          Only through him can we find justice!

Mob:      Steve gets justice!  Steve gets justice!

[Mob rushes to castle with Boy on shoulders.  He protests.  Out]

[bursts Steve]

Steve:    Young rouge!  How dare you lead this mob!  You shall pay the price!

[Draws sword and decapitates Boy.  The End.  You cannot kill Boy

[and hope to come out unscathed]

          As for you vultures, I have decided to confront 

          The aliens and take back our honor and planet.

[Crowd somewhat shaken over boy, gradually realize what Steve has]

[said and begin to cheer]

          The battle for Earth has begun.  May God have mercy

          On all of our souls.

Mob:                            Rutabaga!  Rutabaga!


                              Act V

[Joppatowne Space Port.  Vince Landed.  Being given Report by Gus,]

[who is now a messenger]

Gus:      Good lunar leader.  I have much to inform.

          The battle for Bel Air has begun awhile.

          Steve and his woman have been taken hostage.

          The battle rages;  The advantage is ours.

(5)       Without leadership, though, we have had problems.

Vince:    What of Boy?  He is young, but capable.

          Aye, I commanded him to keep control.

Gus:      Steve killed him without honor.  Apparently

          Due to a misunderstanding of motive.

Vince: [sad] Arr.  Boy was one of my very best men.

          That he should be lost in the prime of life.

          How many must die before this all ends?

Gus:      The quicker you lead, the less the casualties.

Vince:    You are wise beyond your years, young maiden.

(15)      Take me now to where I am needed most.

Scene II  [Bomb Shelter of Demogogue Headquarters]

Yrbk:     The Earthlings do struggle.  We will win the day.

          Their superior intellect is no match

          To our advanced weaponry.  We will triumph.

[Young Seward, all in medieval garb, bursts in]

Y. Seward:I am young Seward, here to slay the fowl Macbeth!

Yrbk:     Earthling!  Not only do you have 

          The wrong play and castle, but you have also

          Come a millennium too late!  You dimwit!

Y. Seward:[abashed]  Oh sorry.  I shall make a hasty departure

          And leave, herewith.

Yrbk:     Foolish knave!  You shall depart even faster!

          This is a lesson to all who would be late!

[Decapitates him with a laser-like weapon, possibly a laser]

Steve: [from Cell]  Fool alien!  T'were is necessary to do that?

          The poor soul t'was only a bit disoriented.


Yrbk:     We have no need for human life.  It clutters

(15)      This spheroid already.  Every dead human

          Is an improvement.  Now be quiet or die.

Erin [Quietly]:  Ahh, I hope the battle goes well for us.

Steve [also quietly]I can only hope our soldier have good leadership.

Erin:     Stupid man!  You killed their only leader!

Steve:    What?  I did no such thing.  That would be suicidal.

Erin:     Fool!  How could you not see!  Boy was their man!

Steve:    What?! That little rabelrouser!  He was inciting!

Erin:     You walked in late and jumped to conclusions.

Steve:    What?  You mean I'm the one who destroyed our salvation?

Erin:     You have doomed our race to extinction.

          Why did I ever choose to marry you?

Steve:    What have I done?  I've doomed our planet.  Arrr.

[broods a while.  Mumbles I killed boy, etc]

Scene II  [about 15 minutes later]

Yrbk:     [comes close to bars of cell]

          Ahh, betrayer of your species.... would you like ...

[Steve grabs a pipe on the ground and lunges at Yrbk.  Notice break]

[in syllable count]

Steve:    You rotten ball of slime!  I'll show you 

          How to destroy a species!

[zzzzzttt.... Yrbk vaporizes Steve with his weapon]

Yrbk:     Ahhh, Steve, that it had to come to this sad end.

(5)       You showed promise in the art of deception.

          Your flaw is that you were only human.

                          [turns away]

Erin:     My husband!  My husband!  He is destroyed!

          Aye!  My nagging drove him to suicide!

          I cannot live with this on my conscience!

(10)      Oh, Steve wait! I'm coming to join you now.

[She impales herself on the pipe steve had]

Yrbk:  [inspecting what's left of the two]

          What fools these humans be.  They have saved me the

          Trouble of murdering them.  Still they were worth

          More to us alive than dead.  I will have to 

          Keep unneeded pipes out of cells from now on.

                     [Bam! Vince bursts in]

Vince:    Surrender, vile creature! Die!

          Your minions have been overpowr'd!

Yrbk:     Impossible!  We have fantastic weapons!

Vince:    Aye, but they are reflectable

          By photon reflectors;  MIRRORS!

[Yrbk shoots.  Vince deflects with shiny sword]

Vince:    Surrender now or I will be

          Forced to halt your life with this sword!

Yrbk:     Ha!  You and what army?

Vince:                             The one

          Currently occupying the

(25)      Courtyard.  They will be here quite soon.

Yrbk:     You will never take me alive, I'm afraid.

              [grabs pipe.  Starts sword-fighting]

Vince:    Arrr!  Well that's quite all right with me!

[Fight, Clink, Clink, etc]

[Yrbk trips Vince with pipe, Vince falls]

Yrbk:     A hit!  A hit!  A very palpable hit!

Vince:    [gets up quick]  Oh yeah?  Well I learned

          Fencing from La Mahs!  [famous sword guy]

[Click, Clink, Swish, ow, clink, etc.  Lots of theatrics]

Vince:    Aye, I grow weary of this fight.

          Look!  Isn't that Halley's Comet?

Yrbk:     Where?  [looks]

[Vince stabs her.  Yrbk falls]

          Arrr!  You have killed me.  You were a worthy foe.

Vince:    You lived without honor and so

          Shall you die in the same manner.

          Aye, good riddance is what I say.

                   [sees bodies of Steve+Erin]

(35)      Terrible carnage!  Did you this?

Yrbk:     They brought it on themselves.  Let me die in peace.


Vince:    Oh, their timing was bad.  I came,

          But I was just a bit late.

          He would have faced a long jail term,

          But with good behavior he would

          Get out and still have time for life.

(40)      Since we are now demagogueless

          I must inform the populace.

Scene IV  [JC Football Field to large crowd.  4 hours later]

Vince:    People of Earth, the aliens

          Have been destroyed.  We have won!

[Cheers.  yeah!]

          As you probably know by now

          Acting Demagogue Steve has died.

(5)       Earth needs a strong ruler right now

          To rebuild the desolation.

Rioter 1: How about you?

Rioter 2: Vince for Demagogue!

[more cheers.  Vince!  Vince! etc]

Vince:    Calm down!  Calm down!  Be quiet please!

(10)      I have considered this option.

          Consolidating the moon and

          Earth under one demagogueship

          Might be a viable option.

          Unfortunately the Earth is

(15)      Much larger than the moon and I

          Am not qualified to run both.

          Leading the moon is a simple

          Task:  The Earth is a complex place.

          During the crisis, however

(20)      A certain young lady showed her

          Loyalty to all humankind.

          She acted with honor and skill

          Foresight, Knowledge and Wisdom.

          Her name is Gus, and I think that

(25)      She would make an ideal leader.

[mumbles in the crowd]

          Gus, Gus?  Introduce yourself now.

[Enter Gus]

Gus:      Although this is a surprise, I feel I 

          Am ready to take total control of this place.

          During the battle I'm the one who did

          Destroy the alien's means of escape.

[murmurs of admiration and recognition]

(30)      Though a daunting task, it can be handled.

          Terrans, will you give me a chance to lead?

[murmurs.. Ok]

Rioter 1: All hail demagoguess Gus! [repeat]

Gus [to vince]:  I cannot thank you enough.  What are you

          Going to do with your life now, lunar friend?

Vince:    I will do what I can do best.

(35)          Wait, I have a call on my phone.  [wrist phone]

Lizbeth:  Aye, husband, when will you be home?

          For I have made cookies for you.

Vince:    Mmmmmm... cookies, the elixir of 

          Life.  I must leave.  Cookies await me!

[to mob]  Earthlings I leave you in good hands!

[Exit Vince]

                       The End!!!!!!!!!!!!

©VMW Web Design ( : 22 September 1996