In 1996, out of one million students taking the test, 7.5 got fives, 3.3 got fours, 150 got threes, 50001 got twos, 100,000 got ones, and the rest were disqualified for placing their name in the wrong space.
This practice test is divided into three parts, with each given a specific time limit precisely determined to be exactly 5 minutes too short.
In the multiple choice, many answers may seem correct, but only the most correct answer should be chosen. The judges determine the most correct answer by a complex process, usually involving paper rock scissors. In an extremely close decision, eeny meeny miny moe may also be used. Also all answers given by Scott Davis are automatically correct.
The test starts on the next page. It is multiple choice. Fill in the bubble next to the answer with a number 2 pencil. (The United Association Of Number Two Pencil Manufacturers (UAONTPM) gives a large kickback to us for specifying the use of their product for these tests.)
Here is a sample question.
William Shakespeare is: A. English B. Dead C. A Poet D. A dead, English poet.
The first section is poetry analysis. You will be given 15 minutes to answer the questions. Good luck. Do not turn to the next section until instructed to by your instructor.
A Nauseous Nocturne by Bill Watterson Another night deprived of slumber, My parents swore, upon their honor Hours passing without number, 40 That I was safe, and not a goner. My eyes trace 'round the room. I lay I guess tomorrow they'll see their sad mistakes. Dripping sweat and now quite certain In the morning, they'' come in 5 That tonight the final curtain And say, "What was that awful din Drops upon my short life's precious play. We heard last night? You kept us both from sleep!" From the darkness, by the closet 45 Only then will they surmise Comes a noise, much like a faucet The gruesomeness of my demise Makes: a maddening drip-drip-dripping sound. And see that my remains are in a heap. 10 It seems some ill-proportioned beast, Dad will look at Mom and say, Anticipating me deceased, "Too bad he had to go that way." Is drooling poison puddles on the ground. 50 And Mom will look at Dad, and nod assent. A can of Mace, a forty-five, Mom will add, "Still its fitting, Is all I'd need to stay alive, That as he was this world quitting, 15 But no weapon lies within my sight. He should leave another mess before he went." Oh my gosh! A shadow's creeping. They may not mind at first, I know. Ominous and black, it's seeping 55 They will miss me later, though, Slowly 'cross a moonlit square of light! And perhaps admit that they were wrong. Suddenly a floorboard creak As memories of me grow dim, 20 Announces the bloodsucking freak They'll say, "We were too strict with him. Is here to steal my future years away! We should have listened to him all along." A sulf'rous smell now fills the room 60 As speedily my end approaches, Heralding my imm'nent doom! I bid a final "buenas noches" A fang gleams in the dark and murky dray! To my best friend here in all the world. 25 Oh blood-red eyes and tentacles! Gently snoring, whiskers seeming Throbbing, pulsing ventricles! To sniff at smells (he must be dreaming), Mucus-oozing pores and frightful claws! 65 He lies snuggled in the blankets, curled. Worse, in terms of outright scariness, HEY! WAKE UP. YOU STUPID CRETIN! Are the suckers multifarious YOU GONNA SLEEP WHILE I GET EATEN?! 30 That grab and force you in its mighty jaws! Suddenly the monster knows I'm not alone! This disgusting aberration There's an animal in bed with me! Of nature needs no motivation 70 An awful beast he did not see! To devour hopeless children in their beds. The monster never would've come if he had known! Relishing despairing moans, The monster, in his consternation, 35 It chews kids up and sucks their bones, Demonstrates defenstration, And dissolves inside its mouth their li'l heads! And runs and runs and runs away. I know this 'cause I read it not 75 Rid of the pest, Two hours ago, and then I got I now can rest, The heebie-jeebies and these awful shakes. Thanks to my best friend who saved the day. GO TO THE NEXT PAGE! WE DARE YOU!
Questions 1. This work is A. a poem. B. a novel. C. a greek tragedy. D. a play. 2. The format of this work is A. an Italian Sonnet. B. a Shakespearean Sonnet. C. a Petrarchan Sonnet. D. multiple bi-tristich. 3. This poem is from the viewpoint of A. a young child. B. a large monster. C. the pregnant woman. D. Newt Gingrich. 4. The "best friend" referred to in line 62 is A. a tiger. B. a monster. C. the pregnant woman. D. Newt Gingrich. 5. The word "defenstration" in line 73 means A. something obscene. B. stupidity. C. removal of a barrier. D. jumping out of a window. 6. The predominant literary device throughout this poem is: A. Metaphor B. Simile C. Limerick D. Hyperbole 7. What is the rhyme scheme of each six line stanza? A. ABCDEF B. BADCAT C. AABCCB D. BATMAN 8. Which line is most effective in this poem? A. 70 B. 71 C. 72 D. 73 9. What is the predominant image in line 74? A. Repetition B. Idiocy C. The pregnant woman. D. A virtual image. 10. Is the image in live 74 effective? A. Yes. B. No. C. I don't know. D. Who cares? 11. The use of Spanish in line 61 is A. An effective and clever rhyme. B. Grammatically correct. C. really German, not Spanish. D. All of the above. 12. Is the child's imaginary death ironic? A. Yes B. Both A and C C. B but not A D. A, B and C but not D 13. Are capital letters used effectively in lines 66 and 67? A. Yes, they add emotion and feeling. B. No, only proper nouns and beginnings of sentences should be capitalized. C. Capital letters are not used in these lines. D. Both A and B. 14. Which replacement for line 76 would be best? A. It left for its nest. B. Life has no zest. C. The world is a dress. D. I have been rid from this cruel infestation of supernatural vermin. 15. This poem was A. Fun to read. B. From the front of "The Essential Calvin and Hobbes." C. difficult to type in one handed. D. All of the above. TURN TO THE NEXT PAGE OR DIE!
Roses by Anonymous 1 Roses are red, Violets are blue, Sugar is sweet, And so are you. 16. The rhyme scheme of this poem is A. AAAA B. BBBA C. HELP D. ABCB 17. The main flaw in this poem is A. Violets are purple, not blue B. Two much passive voice. C. It is old. D. All of the above. 18. Line three would be better if it were: A. Roadkill is dead. B. Sucrose's chemical formula is pleasing to the tongue and the associated sensory receptors in the brain. C. Sugar beet. D. Answer A from question 17. 19. The word "and" in line four is used as A. A conjunction B. An interjection. C. A dangling modifier. D. A split infinitive. 20. The author of this poem has been credited with writing millions of other poems. This is because A. He is rich. B. He was Shakespeare's younger brother. C. "Anonymous" is a pseudonym for William Carlos Williams. D. Most poetry is stupid and no one else will claim responsibility for it. 21. This test so far has been A. Enjoyable B. Confusing C. Easier than the real thing. D. All of the above 22. The writer of this exam is A. Insane. B. bored. C. in possession of too much free time. D. Vince Weaver E. All of the above 23. (¶ _ | (\/x+x²) dx = )0 A. e³ B. k, where k is the answer. C. E!*y=\!%75a, iff 4 D. .8012295 GO TO PAGE 4
ESSAY PART 1 The last two sections of this test are essays. Time for each essay will be ten minutes, or two mods, whichever is shorter. ESSAY 1: Read the following poem. In a well written essay, answer the following questions. 1. Define "dank" (16), "septic tank" (17), "girlfriend" (varies). Are these words used effectively? 2. Comment on the poem's organization. Is the use of 3 line stanzas effective? What is the poem's rhyme scheme? 3. The poet has avoided the obvious "the rain in spain falls mainly on the plains," though he/she uses all the words. Comment. 4. What is the poem's chief image. Is it organic or visual? 5. How is this more effective then a poem entitled "Gone to France" or "Gone to Kazakhstan?" 6. Is the ending made more ironic because in real life the relationship between the author and girlfriend changed? Is it ironic that the author does not have a septic tank? Does line 2 contradict line 9? Gone to Spain 1 I woke up groaning, It was snowing, But it caused me no pain. The snow is deep 5 But I don't weep. For my girlfriend's gone to Spain. The phones are out But I don't pout Despite the pounding rain 10 I walk to and fro In the blinding snow Because my girlfriend's gone to Spain. I get a drink I fall in the sink 15 And start spinning down the drain. It is dank In the septic tank And my girlfriend's gone to Spain. I hate to whine 20 But I drew the line At hijacking the plane. I contemplate And meditate. You see, my girlfriend's gone to Spain. 25 I cannot talk I cannot walk To me it is perfectly plain My delusion Adds confusion. 30 My poor girlfriend in Spain! I miss her And I am sure That I should not complain But then I do 35 And if she knew She'd kill me; that girl in Spain But yet again I take a pen. I know I'm not insane 40 I write a poem Yes I will show 'em For that girl of mine is Spain And yet I wait And exaggerate 45 I should be hit by a train. I'm glad she's free Without me That lucky girl in Spain. ESSAY TWO In a well written essay, describe the worst book you've ever read. It must be a famous book, and you have to completely defame every major character and scene. Obscene words are appropriate. For a good grade, cash bribes are accepted. Twenties and fifties are preferred. Major credit cards are also accepted. BONUS!!! Use of the word "bulbous" will add an extra three points to your score!! Appropriate books: Wuthering Heights Jane Eyre July's People The Stranger Seize the Day Heart of Darkness Native Son Demian STOP! DO NOT TURN THE PAGE! DO NOT PASS GO! DO NOT COLLECT $200!
ANSWER GUIDE #1. A This work is a poem. If you get this question wrong you should not be taking this test. #2. D This obscure term literally means "multiple double 3-line stanzas." #3. A Any serious English student would have read the book this poem came from and already know the correct answer. The pregnant woman references are to add confusion. #4. A see question 3. #5. D Really. #6. D He uses hyperbole a billion times. #7. C (Duh!) #8. D This is an objective question. #9. A The rest are correct, but not as correct. #10. D is most correct. #11. A Actually German is a superior language. #12. E (Bonus 10 points for anyone getting this one right) #13. D No explanation needed. #14. D This choice is much more descriptive and provokes a better image. #15. D Obviously. #16. D The answer from now on will be D, because the scan tron creator is stuck. #17. D (see 16) #18. D (see 19) #19. D (see 22) #20. D (see 21) #21. D (see 18) #22. D (see 17) #23. D (this question was accidently included from the AP Calculus AB test) ESSAYS: Grading on the essays varies on the mental state of the judges and by how much they have been bribed. For a sample essay, please send $1.7 billion to Vince Weaver, Joppa, MD 21085. Please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery.