The following was written in Fall of 1995 after being forced to
read too many Austen books in AP English class. I prefer my take
to the more recent ones involving zombies.
Chapter 40½ of Pride and Prejudice: The Martians
from War of the Worlds invade 70 years early!
by Vince Weaver
Wickham: [hurried, bursting into Netherfield] Have you
heard the news? Of the explosion? Of the men from Mars?
Mr. Bennet: What say you? What men from Mars? What
explosion? Have you gone crazy?
Wickham: I kid you not. Just last week my cousin,
who is your uncle's niece's brother's cousin, Ogilvy,
(who is an astronomer at the Royal Observatory) say explosios
on the planet Mars!
Mr. Bennet: What does this have to do with us, or
explosions, or the price of tea in Ceylon? You are babbling
like a summer brook.
Wickham: Your interruption would be founded if not for
the following news I have. Just this evening a large cylinder
crashed in Horsell Commons, near Woking. And get this - we
believe there might be men from Mars in there.
Mr. Bennet: Surely you do not expect me to
believe these stories.
Wickham: Well, I do not care if you do or not, but
as for me, the entire troop regiment has been ordered to Woking
to keep the crowds out. I must leave at once [he leaves]
Lydia: [who has overheard the conversation] Oh father,
hw brave he is. We must go to Woking to see this curious cylinder.
Mr. Gardiner: [runs in the door] Have you head the news?
About the men from Mars? I have a paper from London! It is causing
quite a stir! My wife and I are heading to Horshell Common to see
the occurrance. Would you like to come?
Mr. Bennet: am sorry, but my studies do not permit
me to chase around phantom Martians. I am sorry but I must
Lydia: Father, could I go? It must be so exciting
there with all the soldiers to flirt with and the strange
creatures to see. I would be careful, and Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner
would watch me. Oh please, father!
Mr. Bennet: I am quite sure these mysterious imgainary Martians
will keep the militia busy enough without your distracting them.
Mr. Gardiner: Really, she'll be no trouble. We'll --
what is that! THe sky is green!
Lydia: A giant falling star!
Mr. Bennet: It is one of your phantom cylinders!
Mr. Bennet: It appears to have landed at Netherfield
Park and destroyed the grounds! Horrors! My dear wife
and three of my darling [ed. - more annoying] girls
Elizabeth: [runs in] Father! What was that noise!?
What is that weird glow emenating from Netherfield?
Wickham: [bursts in] A third cylinder! It is the third!
Metallic machines are advancing on London, and now a cylinder
here! I must flee! [exits]
Lydia: He cannot leave! His batallion has juts gone
the other way with weapons! He is fleeing the wrong way!
Mr. Bennet: Well, the militia will soon put an end
to this alien menace. What could stand up to a 20 lb. volley,
except maybe the Spanish?
[Bright flash of light, the house catches on
Mr. Gardiner: [up until now had been silent, removed]
Oh no! The paper was right when it told about a heat ray that
could kill at 150 yards! I thought it was lying. We must flee!
[Cannon fire is heard]
Elizabeth: Oh no! The aliens have just destroyed
the Hurst house down the lane! I suppose the Winter Ball
there will have to be cancelled.
[Boom! The house explodes. They all die.
Soon the aliens die too -- from Earth microbes. England
never fully recovered, Germany won WWII with nuclear
weapons, and everyone dies of radiation poisoning by 1951.
There is a comment at the end in green ink from Mrs. Klarich, the AP
teacher: The only resemblence to the original that I can
detect is the names.
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