Task Force Invades My House
Amazingly enough, the attic fan in my house, in a remarkable show of loyalty for my family, chopped one of the squirrels in half (destroying itself in the process). (This story is true).
Luckily this ill-trained task force was captured and relocated.
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From Agent K (Actual Names Deleted to Protect Identity) at Towson State
University, in Maryland
You've noticed it too?! The squirrels here are so bizarre. They run out
right in front of you, eat out of your hand, and I've even seen them
driving little squirrel cars. Theyare plotting something. I would ask my
guinea pig too, but alas he died. So sad.
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From Agent S at Cornell University, in New York State
Director in Chief Weaver,
A squirrel jumped on my leg a few days ago. I'm sure it was to show
their plan to take over the world. I'll keep you updated....
Agent S
Did I tell you about the lunatic squirrel that jumped on my leg when I was sitting on a bench? Now I did. I did not think that squirrels were supposed to do that. It must have been possesed and trying to take over the world. I'll keep my eye out.
Agent S
I have only seen one squirrel in the pasdt few days, I think that they are headed your way so be prepared.
Agent S
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From Agent PM at RPI in New York State
Chief Weaver...
I was at first incluined to see the MCASC as sheer lunicy until the "Incident" happened. I was walking back from class one day from the building that is farthest from my dorm with a few of my hallmates when we noticed a seedy looking squirrel watching us...The thing was fat and almost grey...one of my hallmates cracked some deragoratory comment towards it. The entire rest of the walk I could have sworn the thing was following us, but i still gave it no thought, until later that night the fire alarm was pulled in our dorm. Some people claimed it was a fraternity that did it, but i know that it must have been the squirrel...what shall I do? they're everywhere!
keepme informed...
Agent PM.
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From Agent G at Loyola College, in Maryland
oh my gosh vince,
the squirrels are here too. they must be everywhere. what can i do to protect
myself? quick, before it's too late. MACSC seems like a good cause. can i
be a member?
Agent G
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From Agent N at Swarthmore College, in Pennsylvania
I am extremely glad that you have finally become initiated into the
secret, yet deadly, world of possible squirrel domination. Since my arrival
here at Swarthmore (which is by no coincedence a national arboretum. I have
noticed that squirrels are infiltrating every facet of our society:
- FACT: A squirrel was sighted in one of the dorms here at Swarthmore.
- FACT: Those cherry trees in DC aren't just for decoration (since when are the Japanese not plotting).
- FACT: Every major city on the east coast (except for New York which I believe the squirrels have delegated to the sewer alligators, rats, and commuters) has tons of trees.
- FACT: Congressmen are so cheap nowadays even rodents can afford them.
- FACT: SANTA = SATAN.
So far, with the aid of [Agent P]'s net-making skills, we have made a net to capture and interogate a squirrel.
I suggest you read the Dave Barry column on the matter.
Agent-N out.
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Testimony From An Anonymous Teacher at
John Carroll
Your squirrel expose pages naturally interest me because I am
knowledgeable and well-informed regarding just about every topic in the
known universe and, frankly, in several of the unknowns (for which there
is no need to provide credentials because YOU WOULDN'T KNOW whether or
not they were valid).
- Fact #1: frogs have been disappearing at an alarming rate from not only the northeast U.S. but also from areas around the entire world! Five years ago, the regular froggy noises could be heard from my house at all times during the year. It's been so long since I've heard even one of them, I forget what the name for froggy noises is.
- Fact #2: as Halloween approaches with all the sinister evil accompanying it, SQUIRRELS ARE MORE PLENTIFUL AND CONSPICUOUS. The little rodents don't even try to conceal themselves because they know. They know the secret to their steadily increasing population alongside the equally steady decline of their amphibian neighbors.
- Fact #3: squirrels have no humility nor feign any. They snicker openly at mystified mankind and taunt its individual members by throwing acorns, grenades, small bits of fissionable matter . . . whatever! Why, you may ask yourself, don't they care?
Because ........................................oh, nuts--they've returned.
This is no lie: squirrels have eaten a hole through my garage door. Actually, they have removed about the bottom four inches of the hollow core wood door on the side. The door was not in great condition, but I think they came in when the big door was up and wanted to leave after the door closed. Since the garage has a storage space above it, I guess it looks like a fun place for squirrels to live. Once they chewed their way out the first time, they then opened up the aperture a bit more--they could probably fit a squirrel platoon abreast while they walked into my garage in formation now. I may have to move to get away from them.
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From a JC Alumni at CAL TECH, in California
I was almost killed by a squirrel.. In fact, I was badly injured by
one. NO, it was not from being bitten... NO, it was not from being scratched
or attacked. It was a kamikaze squirrel. I was riding my bike one day down a
hill at a high rate of speed. In the periphery of my visual range, I saw
leaves stirring and then this bold dart towards me. The next thing I
know, I was over the handle bars of my bicycle, and on the ground making love
to the pavement. I looked back upon the twisted metal carcass of my bike to
see a squirrel entangled amongst the spokes of my front tire. He had a very
ominous grin. At the time, and since, I have dismissed this occurrence as one
of the strange and improbable events that seem to be a regular occurrence of
my adult life. But now, I see there is clear and convincing evidence that
squirrels are indeed a threat to national security, NAY, to the security and
future well being of human kind. In my travels I have encountered many
squirrels - the black tufted ear squirrels of Ottawa, the bright red,
bushy tailed squirrels of Vermont (and their small relatives the CHIPMUNKS
(no not they annoying voiced cartoon characters - but that also might be some
sort of propaganda campaign). There are not too many squirrels in the
Los Angeles area.... but then again, there are not many wild animals. But I
digress.. Please feel free to promulgate this report to others that may be
interested in the resistance movement. However, due to fear of retribution,
please respect my anonymity and remove my name from any further
publication.
Best Regards,
XXXXX XXXXXXX (Name removed to preserve anonymity)
Graduate Student
Division of Chemical Physics
California Institute of Technology
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