Susie the Stealth Pig

One Guinea Pig's Quest for World Domination

Friday, 25 May 2007

This will be my last ever posting

The humans once again were planning to take me south, into the land of heat and humidity. I don't like the heat, and I don't like traveling in their infernal bumpy transportation machine.

I faked my own death. It was touching how sad the humans were about it, but I am on a mission. This phase of my plans requires stealth, and complete secrecy. I am one step closer to triumph!

Perhaps we will meet again one day, in a different place.

My eventual successor will be here

  • Currently eating: nothing. How unlike me.

posted by Susie 4:05 PM

Friday, 25 April 2007

My plan worked! The humans couldn't figure out why I kept flooding my cage, but that's because I am much more clever than they are. Eventually the excess water weakened the cardboard panel holding me in, and escape was mine!

Until they replaced the cardboard panel. Curses! They tricked me back into the cage by offering me food. Food is my one weakness!

This is only a minor setback, victory shall be mine!

  • Currently eating: carrot cake crumbs from a plate the human foolishly left on the floor.

posted by Susie 2:08 PM

Friday, 2 February 2007

Today is my birthday! I am 4 years old. Not that the humans did anything special. They don't even know my real birthday, because I spent my first few weeks at the "Pet Store". Then I was purchased (the indignity!) by the one human, and then rudely locked in a closet to be a suprise for the other!

Maybe it's best to forget my humble origins and instead focus on my great plans.

  • Currently eating: alfalfa pellets. I'll squeak for something better the moment anyone moves...

posted by Susie 9:10 PM

Friday, 26 January 2007

It is a frigid 55°Fahrenheit in the room! Unacceptable! No one listens to my complaints. They claim it is 2°Fahrenheit out, but I think it's just an excuse for not letting me go out to eat all of the white powdery substance that fell from the sky last night.

At least the Human's Scientific American magazine came. Little does he know the guinea pig rebellion sends secret encoded messages on the reader-reply cards. After reading them, I must eat them to destroy the evidence.

  • Currently eating: Scientific American reader response card.

posted by Susie 7:18 PM

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

Back from incessant travel. We had to travel to Maryland, then to the Cape of Cods, then back to Maryland before finally returning to my current headquarters in the Carrot lakes. Inefficient and un-necessary!

On the positive side the humans did make some peace offerings, referred to as "Christmas Gifts". I will humor them by eating them.

We visited the nice human female who now lives near the capital district. She had a friend there who also offered the proper respect befitting a guinea pig of my stature. The unfortunate incident involving the dinner table will be best left unremembered.

It is good to be back, I have attempted to sabotage the human's cars so that I am not dragged anywhere again in the near future.

  • Currently eating: Rollios. Apparently some sort of German idea of what a guinea pig might want to eat.

posted by Susie 5:42 PM

Saturday, 9 December 2006

The human and his camera must be stopped! I don't want pictures of my cardboard fortress being circulated beyond my control!

  • Currently eating: Apple Cake crumbs. Any dish left on the ground is fair game.

posted by Susie 6:08 PM

Sunday, 3 December 2006

I have been deliberately drinking too much water lately, to try to trick the human into thinking my water bottle is defective! The plan was that he'd buy me a better water-bottle, maybe one with high-definition TV support. Alas, he bought one of the exact same type I had previously. Foiled!

  • Currently eating: Dandelion. There are dandelions deep into December this year, all part of the guinea-pig "global-warming" scheme.

posted by Susie 4:15 PM

Tuesday, 10 October 2006

The human's relations for some reason thought it would be comical to force me to act like a common squirrel. The indignity! When the time for revenge comes, it will be sweet...

Guinea Pig in Tree

  • Currently eating:NOT an acorn.

posted by Susie 6:17 AM

Monday, 2 October 2006

The humans have memorialized me in statue form! It's about time. When the guinea pigs come into power there will be larger and more menacing versions of this statue on every street-corner! Squeak!

Guinea Pig Statue

  • Currently eating: Birdseed. It's wasted on the birds.

posted by Susie 7:59 PM

Thursday, 3 August 2006

The humans have given up on their pathetic attempts to grow carrots in a window-box. They decided the best way to thin out the carrot plants was to put me in the box! As if I were a glorified weed-eater! I humored them for a bit, but while their backs were turned I made a run for my escape-pod that is hidden among the tomato plants elsewhere on the deck. Unfortunately they caught me before I could get there. Curses!

  • Currently eating: Blueberries. The humans picked them the other day. I approve, for once.

posted by Susie 4:36 PM

Monday, 31 July 2006

After months in the carrot-lakes, an unexpected diversion south! The humans never warn me... just suddenly my fortress is lifted into the air, and I am put into the infernal machine that seeks out the bumpiest roads and jostles me for hours. Worst of all, my water-bottle is taken away because it "leaks" during these travails. Squeak!

At least we got to visit the nice human down near the capital. Everyone was worried about how the feline half of their family would react to me, but luckily I am intimidating enough that they didn't try anything.

Susie the Guinea Pig and Cat

Because of the cat worries, they made me spend the night in the un-airconditioned bathroom while they relaxed in cool luxury! For shame!

On the way back the humans stopped at Lewisberg, and due to the heat left all of the windows down in the vehicle. Opportunity! I quickly began preparing a system of ladders in order to effect an escape... but horrors, they finished their meal suprisingly quickly. Foiled!

  • Currently eating: Cardboard. I am trying to fashion my cardboard box into a series of long tubes, the better to evade capture.

posted by Susie 7:09 PM

Tuesday, 4 July 2006

Ahhh, the quaint human custom of Independence day. Happily it was also independence from my subjugation!

The humans had arranged for a 2 week trip to the Western coast. Finally I would be left alone to scheme unhindered! But at the last minute they took me to a co-workers so that I could be baby-sat. Imagine! And there were many smaller humans running around who caused me much distraction, although I admit I was kept well fed.

Two weeks away from my main base caused some important plots to fall through. This has been most aggravating.

  • Currently drinking: From my water bottle. I am drinking huge amounts of water every day in attempt to trick the human into thinking the bottle has a leak. Nefarious!

posted by Susie 10:18 PM

Sunday, 28 May 2006

The humans left to see a military graduation where the president will be in attendence. And I was left behind! So many plots foiled at once...

And to top it off, they left me home alone, with what I consider an inadequate supply of fresh food. Guinea pigs cannot live by alfalfa pellets alone!

  • Currently eating: Carrots. I'll show them, I'll eat my whole 3 day supply in 2 hours.

posted by Susie 4:20 PM

Tuesday, 3 January 2006

This planet has reached perihelion, meaning it is time for the humans to drag me all across this part of the continent. First to Maryland, then to the Cape of Cods, then back to the Carrot-lakes via central Massachusetts.

The humans refuse to learn my language much to their detriment. If they can't interpret the most basic "I need to use the bathroom" request, they deserve what befalls them.

I did get to visit the very nice female human who treats me much nicer than the one I share an apartment with.

Sadly, my attempt to shorten the length of this trip by sabotaging the windshield of the transportation device failed.

Hopefully my travels have ended for a while, so I can get some actual work done.

  • Currently eating: Fruit-mix. At least I enjoy the so-called "Christmas Presents" the humans gave me.

posted by Susie 1:18 PM

Monday, 28 November 2005

The humans unexpectedly whisked me East to the Cape of Cods. The occasion seems to be one of many feasts, the largest which involved an unfortunate forest-fowl. Sadly few of the extra provisions from the meals made it into my food-bowl.

In addition to the normal accumulation of humans, there were many military-cadets also in attendance. So many humans in one normal sized residence can intimidate even me, but I challenged one to a potato-peel eating contest. As always, victory was mine!

Guinea pig racing potato peels
  • Currently eating: Apple peels. The peeling device the humans have is ingenious, but I prefer potatoes to apples.

posted by Susie 2:35 PM

Saturday, 8 October 2005

The human fled down to Maryland to get married! I do not trust the female he hangs out with, so I had plans to attend the service and cause disruptions. But my plans were thwarted! I was left in Ithaca under the care of others! Now I must forever hold my peace! Perhaps I will set my weather-machine to "deluge". That will show them.

I will ingratiate myself to my current captors, maybe I can convince them to do my bidding.

  • Currently eating: Cardboard box. If I have to mope, I will do it noisily!

posted by Susie 8:12 AM

Monday, 5 September 2005

The human once again loaded my cage into his noisy vehicle and dragged me across the continent. Just when my plans in California were reaching fruition!

At least I got to investigate new places, such as Minnesota, Michigan, and North Dakota. I tried to make contacts with the prairie dogs in ND but to no avail, they are in league with the bison.

In Montana I was left in the car in grizzly bear country! Most irresponsible. Though I think I could defeat one in battle. You'll notice there are no grizzly bears in South America. We guinea pigs kicked them all out years ago.

  • Currently eating: Grass. It's nice to be somewhere that gets rain again.

posted by Susie 4:15 PM

Monday, 30 May 2005

Well here I am reporting from arid California. It is hot here! And I am horribly far away from all of my contacts on the East Coast.

The human and his consort dragged me 4000 miles across the continent, little heeding my calls to let me stay. They seemed to think I could not take care of myself in the Carrot Lakes region. How hard could it be?

I almost convinced him to let me stay in Joppatowne. Even though that place is a backwater, at least I could have outwitted his family and escaped back north. But no, the annoying female convinced him to take me along.

I'm just finally recovering. They went and saw exciting stuff and left me in the often warm car. And the fresh produce got less and less fresh as the trip wore on!

Even more annoyingly, we never stopped in one place long enough for me to make contacts. Here is a picture of me in a place called "South Dakota". I would have liked to have had more time to plot with the bison, who have quite a grudge against the humans.
Susie in South Dakota

  • Currently eating: Celery. Must keep hydrated in this dry, dry, country.

posted by Susie 7:12 PM

Monday, 25 April 2005

The human left for three days near New York City but neglected to bring me! The indignity of it all! Who knows what havoc I could have wreaked in a metropolis of that size.

The human also left no one to take care of me, and insultingly left a big pile of food he thought would be enough to tide me over. I'll show him! I'll eat it all on the first day!

  • Currently eating: Big pile of food

posted by Susie 3:20 PM

Sunday, 6 March 2005

Instead of returning North, we instead headed south! I was excited, as I thought we might be heading to Washington DC where I could meet with important Guinea Pig lobbyists who are trying to take over the government. But tragedy! We stopped too short, at College Park. I hoped I could sneakily contact my compatriots in the biology labs there, but those plans were quashed when the annoying human's even more annoying brother took me inside his dormitory! And while there I was put in a laundry basket prison! The indignity! At least the various female humans present were nice to me, and food was obtained at the "dining hall salad bar", whatever that is.

  • Currently eating: Pea pods

posted by Susie 6:30 PM

Saturday, 5 March 2005

Was rudely taken on yet another trip! Traveled through Scranton, Allentown, Reading and Lancaster, then tiny middle-of-nowhere roads to Fawn Grove PA. All so the human could watch some foolish fantasy movie! I tell you, any story that does not have Guinea Pigs in it is not worth telling. And Olga da Polga tells much better stories.

This doesn't even begin to cover my being exiled to the front room near a cold window where a noisy Chesapeake Bay Retriever kept circling by. Squeak.

  • Currently eating: Brocoli. At least the food is good here

posted by Susie 1:03 AM

Monday, 24 January 2005

I was all settled in at my Carrot Lakes control center, when suddenly I was whisked away. I heard rumor of travel to the Pacific Coast... that would have met my needs greatly. But instead the human dumped me with his family in useless Maryland! I am greatly annoyed.

  • Currently eating: Snow melt on the carpet. I like the taste of salt.

posted by Susie 11:03 PM

Monday, 3 January 2005

The human is traveling again. I wish he would stop! No sooner do I get my lines of contact set up, and start subverting the local population, then I was packed into the infernal traveling machine of his and zooming off somewhere else. I was in two different locations in the place called Maryland, then in a snowy realm called Massachusetts, then now I find myself back at my home base. Annoying. And the things I was subjected to at the various places! Embarassing! You can say I am easily offended, but I bet you've never been held hostage by a crazed northern cowgirl!

  • Currently eating:Bill envelopes. The human is too quick and prevented me from destroying any actual financial data.

posted by Susie 10:25 AM

Monday, 6 September 2004

I thought my traveling was over for a while, but no the human came and dragged me out to Buffalo. If only I had warning I would have tried to make contacts with the Canadian Cavies again!

To make it worse, there was an animal there even more annoying than humans, who could imagine. I think they called it a "dog". When it wasn't trying to lunge at me it spent its time barking at my cage-fortress. Luckily the humans are too dumb to listen to the canine suspicions about our world domination plans.

  • Currently eating: Corn husk. The hair's the best part.

posted by Susie 4:18 PM

Sunday, 15 August 2004

Dragged to Massachusetts again! I am tired of this traveling. Although the human female here is much nicer to me than the normal ones I meet tend to be.

  • Currently eating: Nothing. Sulking.

posted by Susie 2:38 PM

Sunday, 8 August 2004

Dragged to Massachusetts. Everyone goes to the beach, but am I invited along? No. Unfair. Guinea pigs do hate water, and sand, but I am sure the dune-grass must taste good.

They also neglected to take me to see the Big Dig. Imagine, a vast dark undergournd series of tunnels, maneuverd at high speed! The perfect place for a guinea pig! Yet I stay trapped on the cape.

  • Currently eating: Raviolos. (Some pathetic guinea-pig treat the human's mother got me. I refuse to be thankful).

posted by Susie 3:42 PM

Saturday, 24 July 2004

The human was planning a trip to the Dominion of Canada. I was not about to be left behind this time. So I plotted so that he would be unable to find someone to watch me and be forced to take me along. Success!

While he was gone all day at the conference, I had my own conference of all the Dominion's top Guinea Pigs. We were making great progress in our plans, when we ran out of carrots! The human did not bring enough! Our meeting and plans fell through; guinea pigs refuse to think on an empty stomach!

I certainly let the human know how I felt about this when he got home. And the nerve of it all, he did not even find me carrots, nor grass, only some wilted lettuce called a "salad". Hmmmph.

  • Currently eating: iBook power cord. Strange, doesn't taste like an apple.

posted by Susie 6:22 PM

Monday, 5 July 2004

The human planned a trip to the Southwest, a perfect opportunity I thought! Thousands of miles of new territory to exploit! But then at the last minute he left me in the backwater of Joppatowne! A humid swamp, trapped far from my regular communication lines. Annoyance extreme! He shall pay.

  • Currently eating: Ethernet cable. I'm annoyed that the human has not gone to the store so all he'll feed me is carrots, grapes, and grass.

posted by Susie 10:17 AM

Saturday, 5 June 2004

The trip south was for naught, the Cicadas were already in full retreat! They promised an alliance the next time they emerged, but the foolish creatures refused to understand even my grandchildren would be old by then! Too late!

  • Currently eating: Newspaper

posted by Susie 3:52 PM

Sunday, 23 May 2004

The human is planning a trip to the south for "Memorial Day". I have plans to meet up with ambassadors of the so-called 17-year Cicada Emergence. Perhaps a cicada/guinea-pig alliance could finally overthrow the humans for good!

  • Currently eating: The human refuses to give me ice-cream :(.

posted by Susie 4:18 PM

Sunday, 9 May 2004

Another human is visiting. She is much more clever than the usual human. I fear she might be onto me! I will hide in my card-board fortress until she leaves. My plans must not be discovered.

  • Currently eating: Grass! Spring has arrived!

posted by Susie 1:42 PM

Sunday, 1 February 2004

I have discovered when the human goes into the room he calls the "kitchen" he often brings back food. Thus I will now squeak any time he even merely walks by said room. Food will be mine!

It has been most extrordinarily cold up here. My room must fall down to 60 degrees at night! I am most unhappy with this state of affairs. But whenever I let this known to the human he simply points out the window where this powdery white substance is falling. I have no clue what he's trying to communicate and suspect he's a bit soft in the head.

  • Currently eating: Pop-tart fragment found on floor.

posted by Susie 3:56 PM

Monday, 5 January 2004

Finished an 8 state tour [MD, DE, NJ, PA, NY, CT, RI, MA]. Some day this land will all belong to the guinea pigs! The human had some sort of flu, I was thinking of culling him to strengthen the herd, but he seems to have gotten better.

  • Currently eating: Cardboard box.

posted by Susie 5:16 PM

Thursday, 25 December 2003

Traveled from the land if icy snow down to Maryland in search of grass to eat. Apparently this mission of mine coincided with the quaint human custom of "Christmas". Below is a picture of me commanding the human to do my bidding!

  • Currently eating: Wrapping paper.

posted by Susie 2:10 PM

Tuesday, 25 November 2003

The human told me today that I sounded like a "deranged chocobo"! I am horribly insulted! Wark!

  • Currently eating: Store-bought dried alfalfa

posted by Susie 10:10 PM

Monday, 17 November 2003

My tunnel through my "cage" has succeded! But then the human added an exterior cage. I tunneled through that one as well! But then he put some sort of inpenetrable material between the two cages that I can't get my teeth around. Curses. What advanced technology can create such a thing? I think he referred to it as "cardboard".

  • Currently eating: Unknown object that was lying on floor

posted by Susie 1:14 AM

Monday, 4 November 2003

Enjoyable weekend, the human was away! Luckily for him he left ample food or else I would have made him pay!

Was happy when he got back, not because I missed him, but because I really really missed sitting in my blanket. Snubbed him once blanket was procured. Ha!

  • Currently eating: Maple leaf

posted by Susie 4:15 PM

Saturday, 25 October 2003

Dave doubts that I would make a good grad student! Little does he know I have a PhD in Guinea Pig Latin from Oxford. Too high of a self-preservation to curiosity ratio indeed!

  • Currently eating: Apple Core

posted by Susie 2:10 PM

Sunday, September 28, 2003

I heard a great joke today:

How many guinea pigs does it take to change a lightbulb?

One! If you squeak loud enough a stupid human will do it for you!


  • Currently eating: Wall of my cage. Will tunnel to freedom eventually!

posted by Susie 10:52 PM

Tuesday, September 17, 2003

The human was not feeding me carrots even when I clearly said "Squeak-squirk-squeak!" To show him not to trifle with me I strategically chewed through the telephone cable immediately before he had to submit an important project on-line. Sabotage victorious! Unfortunately he is skilled in the ways of wire-strippers and tape and quickly had it fixed. But it was a moral victory.

  • Currently eating: Carpet. It grows on the ground, it has to belong to the grass family, right?

posted by Susie 11:32 PM

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

My elaborate shoebox fortress is crumbling. The walls are caving in due to the great water-bottle leak of last week. So it is now more of a lean-to. The sunroof I chewed into the ceiling is now a side window. Annoying, but conveniently I can monitor when the annoying human goes to the refrigerator, and put up a fuss if he neglects to feed me.

  • Currently eating: Carrots. I really want grass, but will he go pick me any? No. SQUEAK.

posted by Susie 8:31 PM

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Am devising clever escape routes involving the dining room chairs. No predator will ever get me! Am still mourning the loss of all the secret paths I built in the closet in the Chesapeake Bay district. I had left important documents there, and had been caught unawares by by transfer.

Attempted to "digest" various important documents lying about on the floor, but was thwarted.

  • Currently eating: Surplus crouton.

posted by Susie 11:10 AM

Monday, September 01, 2003

Was reading the paper lining my cage today. Often it is lined with useless garbage like The Aegis but for once I have some decent recent national news. I had no idea Mars was so close! Must contact Buzz at the Inner Planetary Colonization council. This would be a prime time to launch the planned guinea pig invasion.

  • Currently eating: The walls of my shoebox fortress

posted by Susie 9:47 AM

Thursday, August 28, 2003

Was talking with Olga in England. She is there working on the jet-powered submaine project. There's a lot of contention though over its shape. Should it look like a carrot, or rather a giant radish?

The annoying human who is always around keeps me from chewing on the wires. I need them open so I can splice in my complex communications equipment.

    Currently eating: Alfalfa Pellets

posted by Susie 11:46 PM

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

The annoying human was gone today. The telecommunications connection was finally up. I have long ago cracked all the passwords on the local machines so I used them to upload this page.

I am very hungry. Maybe by squeaking, food will appear.

    Currently eating: The walls of my "cage"

posted by Susie 11:38 PM

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Moved to the northern provinces. Once the guinea pig takeover is complete I have been promised domain over the "finger lakes" which will hereafter be known as the "carrot lakes". Foolish humans, they look nothing like fingers, but like a giant carrot bunch!

    Currently eating: Dandelions

posted by Susie 11:00 PM

Squeak Squeak BRRRRR!

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