Cast a write-in vote for Metrocat as SGA President.
Metrocat is outraged to report that the "Write-in Vote" option is no longer
available. He suggests that appropriate action be taken, such as a massive
noisy protest on McKeldin Mall.
The powers-to-be fear Metrocat, and thus
have stopped him the only way they know how, by disrupting the Democratic
process. The SGA menace can no longer be denied, their reign of terror is
drawing to a close.
As alternate forms of protest, Metrocat reluctantly
endorses either the "Abstain" button, or the "Un-party" (in the hopes that
they aren't just a gimmick).
One may also send mail to the
Diamondback and voice your displeasure.
Metrocat hopes that this, his third run for SGA president, will finally
be successful. Soon, all will know the majesty and power that is the
reign of Metrocat.
He is willing to take time to run the SGA while
still keeping busy with his other primary activities: chasing mice,
playing with big balls of yarn, and building impenetrable
fortresses from which to conquer the world.
The Metrocat Platform
Image Copyright 1998 Washington Post
- Metrocat advocates the destruction of dorms for more parking spaces.
- Metrocat advocates the abolishment of the Department of Campus
- Metrocat advocates the destruction of parking spaces to build more
- Metrocat advocates cable in the dorms.
- Metrocat promises 10-ply toilet paper, more than thrice the ply of
any other party!
- Metrocat understands that you, the student alcoholic have special
needs. RAs will be instructed to provide liquor to students who cannot
afford it, or who are not yet 21.
- Metrocat will support any plan to make the dorm networks faster,
which will allow for smooth-playing network games and lightning-fast porn
downloads. Fiber optics in every outlet!
- Metrocat knows that room selection is frustrating and arbitrary. The
current room selection process will be abolished and replaced by
something much better.
- Metrocat will allow pets in campus housing, with preference toward
cats and robots.
- Dining Services
- Metrocat will abolish the point plan. In its place, Metrocat will
distribute food to students as they need.
- Metrocat will create three vast new dining halls on campus,
replacing Main Administration, A.V. Williams Building, and Tydings Hall.
- The funds used to sponsor Dining Services' monthly "novelty meals"
will be instead used to throw campus-wide ice cream parties (with
non-dairy snacks for vegans and the lactose intolerant).
- Campus Safety
- Metrocat will augment the campus police department with a large
number of crime fighting robots.
- Metrocat will replace the existing bus routes with a high speed
monorail system to enhance transportation both on and off campus.
- Student Groups
- Metrocat will fund any campus group up to $50,000. The money
will come from selling unpopular faculty to the highest bidder.
- Metrocat will reduce the red tape involved in starting new groups.
New clubs will be required to submit the student ID numbers of 10 members,
up to 60% of which can be imaginary.
- Metrocat is against the dominance of Greeks in the SGA.
- Metrocat enjoys the company of the campus fraternities and
sororities, and will give them the "bottomless budget" benefit normally
accorded to tenured faculty.
- The New Arena
- Metrocat thinks the new arena should be built entirely
underground, thus preserving the Environmental integrity of North Campus.
- Metrocat thinks that imposing a $110 Cable fee on all students is
morally wrong. If Comcast wants to shoulder its way on campus, forcing
cable into our dorms, the least they can do is cover the cost of the first
few years of basic services. He will also lobby for as many premium
channels as the coaxial cable will permit.
- Campus Sponsorship
- Metrocat is against monopolistic restriction of student choice and
the commercialization of a public university. He will reinstitute Coke and
Utz along side their Pepsi counterparts in campus stores and dining halls.
- Metrocat, while morally against the Microsoft Corporation, understands
that many students use their products. Therefore, he heartily encourages
the copy and distribution of their software on campus sponsored
"Warez" sites, saving the campus millions of dollars in license fees.
[Note... Metrocat does not encourage piracy. These servers
would be for legitimate backup purposes only].
- Space Exploration
- Metrocat strongly supports the formation of a campus space program.
By then end of his term, he would like to see campus bases on the Moon,
Mars, and the nearer asteroids.
- Closing Note
- If elected, Metrocat will be available to DJ at parties.
Born in obscurity somewhere in the Metropolitan Area, Metrocat became a
household name the day he appeared on the front of the Washington Post's
Metro section. Since then his advocacy of student rights and his battle
against the forces of evil have made him a hero to many throughout the world.
Entering the political arena for the first time, Metrocat boldly says what
other politicians won't. Help Metrocat make our campus a better place.
Courageously cast your ballot for Metrocat this week.
A vote for Metrocat is a vote for Truth, Justice, and the Maryland
Write-in METROCAT for SGA President on April 12 or
Vote at Testudo
Send comments to: VoteMetrocat@hotmail.com